


Going Through Hell

by WarAgainstReality



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 17:42:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5426015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarAgainstReality/pseuds/WarAgainstReality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader circumvented Dean's deal and went to Hell in his place. Now you're back and the effects are starting to show. You try to stay strong. Dean can never know what you went through.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Through Hell

The nightmares were getting worse. You tossed and turned every night as you relived the intense agony of Hell's blazing fires and Alistair's blade slowly separating flesh from muscle and muscle from bone. You were to the point where you fought sleep until you passed out from sheer exhaustion.

Sam and Dean had obviously noticed that something was wrong, but you wouldn't say a word. This was your burden to bear. You had decided that the moment that you had made the deal: your soul on the spot in exchange for Dean's which was due in three months time.

You were freed from that literal Hell now and were determined that Dean would never know that you remembered every second of it. You would deal with the exhaustion and memories gladly if it meant he would never have to experience it first hand. 

Dean was on his way to bed when he heard the noise: a frightened whimper. He was about to knock on your door when it happened again. Without giving it a moment's thought, Dean barged into the room.

You were drenched in sweat and curled into a tight ball in the middle of the bed. Your strong frame looked fragile as you shook uncontrollably with silent screams. Tears poured down your face mixing with the sweat that matted your hair and clothes. He felt helpless. How could he help when you wouldn't even tell him what was wrong?

Worried, Dean shook you awake.

"Y/n, you're having a bad dream," he said in a soothing tone. "It's not real. You're okay."

He expected you to fall into his arms and tell him what was wrong. He expected you to let your guard down. Instead you murmured a quick thanks as you headed to the bathroom to wash up.

Dean went straight to Sam's room to explain what had happened.

"Sammy, we have to do something about Y/n," he said quietly. "I've never seen her like that. Whatever is going on started after she got back. This is my fault."

"She won't tell us what's wrong," Sam sighed. "The only thing we can do is try to wake her up and wait for her to open up about it. Blaming yourself will only piss her off."

After a few exhausted sighs, Dean finally made it to his room while a plan started forming in his head.

In the morning, you pretended that nothing had happened last night. That was what you always did.

"Never let him see the cracks," you quoted inside your head.

Dean's eyes never left you for more than a minute. His gaze was protective as if whatever was hurting you would jump out and attack at any moment. The guilt was eating away at him but the worry was even stronger.

Anything that could reduce someone so strong into that was definitely a force to be reckoned with. You had looked terrified and the fear was clearly the cause for your fight for consciousness. Despite it all, you still smiled and pretended that everything was fine to keep them at peace. It was maddening.

You were sagging in your chair from exhaustion. The moment you closed your eyes it would start again. You never slept long no matter how tired you might be. You grudgingly went to bed while Dean waited patiently until he was sure you were asleep to enact his plan. 

Dean sat on the edge of your bed and watched over you as you slept. He softly stroked your hair praying that somehow everything would be okay. 

"No, I won't do it," you panted suddenly beginning to twitch. "Alistair, I won't hurt any-"

You started screaming. It was quiet but bloodcurdling. You writhed in absolute agony. He wanted nothing more than to wake you up but he couldn't yet.

"It hurts," you whimpered with an agonized sob. "Why can't it stop? The fire- it's okay. He's okay. I made it okay."

In that moment Dean understood everything. You had lied to them. You hadn't forgotten Hell at all. You were reliving it every night. His heart broke as your words sank in. You were still thinking about him even then.

Dean clutched you to his chest. Suddenly you were awake and in his arms. His rapidly beating heart echoed in your ears.

"It should have been me..." his voice broke. "I know so just tell me the truth. What happened down there?"

To his surprise, you told him everything. You told him about Alistair's endless torture. The only chance for release being to turn the blade on others. You told him about the hooks, chains, fire, and the sounds of spirits and bodies breaking. Finally you told him about how long you had been down there.

"Thirty years," Dean cried. "You were fully conscious in Hell for thirty years and were just going to pretend everything was fine?!"

His voice grew softer, "Why did you make a deal? You should have let the hounds take me then you would be okay."

"You wouldn't be," you whispered back. "I couldn't just stand by and let it happen. I figured that I could just make the switch and you guys would think that I had just gone off on my own."

"Do you honestly think that we care so little for you that we wouldn't even come looking for you?" Dean growled.

The look on your face was answer enough. He had seen that same look of depreciation on both his and his brother's face before. You didn't think you were worth it but you were worth far more to him than you had ever imagined.

Dean loosened his arms around you. Cupping your face with one hand, he kissed you. It was the kind of kiss you read about in fairy tales; the kind that you had always been so sure could never exist. It was love, warmth, and reassurance that he would make it all okay.

You went through hell but ended up right where you had always wanted. You lie with Dean at night and together you fight against both his nightmares and yours. It had been worth it and you would do it all again just to make sure that nothing happened to the man you loved.


End file.
